As I reflect on 2024, I am thankful for some very specific answers corresponding to problems faced over the past several years. I remarked one night to a friend that my life has been a chiasm and the more I think about it, the more that quip has seemed true. Named for the Greek letter Chi, a chiasm is a literary structure often used in scripture to show parallel events, words, or themes and draw the reader’s gaze toward the flex point in the middle of the chiasm.
2020-2023 were marked by loss, hardship, and barriers in my life with multiple health troubles, surgeries, home problems, financial strains, and overall restriction. This is how the chiasm started: Falling on the stairs, foot fractures, looming mortgage payments, loss of function, canceled homeowner’s insurance policies, and the removal of organs. It seemed like just when I would get my footing, another wave would wallop me, taking my breath away.
This is not to say that there was not joy over the past several years, there was great joy, though often in defiance to the larger situation. There was a deep purpose in me choosing Liminal Whimsy as my words of the year for 2024 so that I sought to inject every little space with some delightful sparkle so that between the hard there was levity and a sense of coming up for air.
This year I worked hard to recover the past several years physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally. I sought to celebrate every win. And thankfully, there were many! When I looked for the wins, there were specific answers to the losses. I worked out faithfully with a new Barre routine and completed my first in person 5K with Kenny (my Bionic foot) answering the loss of function from foot fracture and surgery – chiasm point one. I finally got a new roof allowing me to change insurance carriers to one with better coverage and longevity- alleviating much of the financial and insurance drama experienced in chiasm point 2. I got good news about Susan B. Ovary this year who had been causing drama after losing her sister in surgery last year – correlating to Chiasm point 3. These very specific answers to prayer have been celebrated individually and collectively this year as I think through the chiasm of my life.
My dear friend’s Christmas letter reminded me of this truth, “They say you can tell a lot about a tree’s life from its rings, with narrower tree rings corresponding to stressful years.” I certainly have experienced some stressful years in ways I could never have imagined. But, she continues, “[they] may have had narrow rings in their trunks, but their roots were strengthened by the storm.” My roots too have been strengthened. There was pain in enduring this chiasm, but also precious faithfulness that could not have been experienced in other ways. People showed up for me in tender and meaningful ways when I was restricted. When I didn’t know where the next mortgage payment would come from, money showed up for me. Most importantly, God showed up for me when I needed Him most. He reminded me of His sovereignty and invited my prayers even when I didn’t know how to pray.
I have been doing my best to reframe my chiasm as not just a loss, but a planting. Yes, there was darkness, and tightness, and at times I felt covered in dirt and heaviness and loss and grief. But perhaps the darkness and dirt and mud and tilling all had purpose. My seed could have been lost if planted in another garden plot. Perhaps this quote from Christine Caine captures the center of my chiasm –
“Sometimes when you’re in a dark place and you think you’ve been buried, you’ve actually been planted.”
Maybe as you reflect on your year, your tree rings are large and filled with nutrients and flourishing. If that is the case, I celebrate with you! I believe, celebrating is an underutilized skill! It takes good friends to celebrate with others with honest excitement and without envy. Find these people and celebrate your growth!
If, however, 2024 felt like a year filled with lack, or a loss, or just plodding along to do what was absolutely necessary to get by, may you feel more planted than buried. Take the focus away from the outward, upward tree ring growth and toward the inward, downward root growth.
You are not alone in this season. Take courage, there is a faithful Gardener tending to you even now.
I would have despaired unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Ps 27:13. Praise God that He shows up when we most need Him!
Thank you for faithfully celebrating with me and encouraging me to be courageous. Both are so important and you do it so well.
“not just a loss, but a planting.” Yes!!! Celebrating the underground eras with you!!