The waves of struggle have washed over many of us in 2020. Everyone has struggled, and I too have had my fair share of challenges. Financial challenges, exposure risk, fears at work, broken bones, delayed treatment, pending surgery… oh and that pesky little Covid on top of it all.
There have been many moments that I felt like I was drowning and in need of a life preserver. This is the emotional state I found myself in this fall. Fall was the hardest. I received bad news on multiple fronts and I was powerless to make it better. I found myself sinking. My prayers became more fervent and more fierce. My need for support became more immediate and more constant. I no longer felt the independent, competent, strong woman I believe myself to be. I was weak and unstable, both literally and figuratively.
But that is not where I will stay.
I will not resign to drowning. I am designed to float. I will fight back to the surface. I will be hopeful.
I wanted hope to be a part of my choice, because the purpose of hope has been more powerful to me than ever. I hope I will heal. I hope we will heal. I hope I will feel strong and stable again, even if my balance falters now. I trust that God is at work even when I do not understand it.
I already knew wanted Hebrews 6:19-20 to be my verse for the year:
We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf…
I wanted an adjective to go along with hope, but nothing seemed to fit. I tried relentless, unsinkable, anchored, constant… nothing was quite right.
I was talking and praying with my friend, Abby, one day and describing all of these images that I wanted to capture in my word for 2021. She prayed for me and for “buoyancy in the storms”. That’s it. Buoyant Hope. I am under the water now, but I will not remain there. I will kick toward the surface, yearning for a breath of fresh air, and the promise of transition. Hope floats; it rises. It carries us up with it when we wait in perseverance. I do not now know the sunshine that I will find at the surface, but I can swim toward it with buoyant hope.