Sometimes I feel so ugly.
My feelings of ugliness have nothing to do with my wardrobe they have everything to do with my spirit. I did not have the best week last week. I worked some extra hours and had lots of evening commitments. I was tired. I was spent. I was grouchy.
I was ugly.
I felt like I had no room in my life for anyone else. I came home from another meeting and went straight to bed, fuming that something had stolen my precious free time. And I couldn’t concentrate in my evening meetings because my mind was busy thinking of all the things that were not getting done while I sat here. The chores spanned from the mundane to the compassionate: Laundry, cooking, bills, reading, writing that thank you card, calling that friend who was hurting. I complained about these feelings to a friend of mine who simply replied, “Beauty is not frenzy.”
It was then that I snatched out my Moleskine and wrote that truth down.
That’s what was making me ugly. I was frenzied, rushed, harried, unable to sit, to be present in any situation or talk to the person in front of me because I was always focused on what needed to be done next. My life was inhospitable. My spirit knew it. I need to listen to myself better. I need to prevent, as much as possible, this feeling of frenzy because it wrings out all the things I like about myself leaving me a limp rag without direction. I’ve had enough of that feeling, thank you very much.
I’m done with overcommitting myself. I’m done with feeling frenzied. I’m done with feeling ugly.
Beauty and peacefulness… here I come!
What makes you feel ugly or frenzied? Do you think they’re linked?